Barbatos's Unexpected Replacement
Overview[edit]
Barbatos's Unexpected Replacement is the ninth solo audio drama that was released alongside Barbatos's character song Crazy About You on February 25th, 2022.
Transcript[edit]
Mammon: So tell me again, I'm gettin' paid, yeah?
Barbatos: That's what I said. That's the eighth time you've asked.
Mammon: I gotta make sure. It's all I care about.
Barbatos: Well, yes, you are Mammon after all. Are you sure you will be okay? You'll do it properly, yes?
Mammon: The most trust-worthy being in the Devildom... Is me when money's on the line!
Barbatos: Is that something to boast about? I knew I should have asked Lucifer to adjust his schedule.
Mammon: Don't worry, I got this. So what am I doin'?
Barbatos: Once again, I would like you to serve the Young Lord in my place while I am away.
Mammon: Gotcha, gotcha, I just gotta sit around with him, yeah? Easy-peasy.
Barbatos: No, no, you will be replacing me, so you have to make sure everything is perfect for the Young Master.
Mammon: I gotchu!
Barbatos: Okay, could you start by reading these memos?
Mammon: Memos? Where?
Barbatos: These, right here.
Mammon: Yo, that ain't a pillar?! It's thick with two c's.
Barbatos: Yes, I took the liberty of writing down every rule I've created since the day I began working for Lord Diavolo.
Mammon: Yo, it says wake up 2 a.m...?
Barbatos: Yes, please wake up five hours before the Young Lord.
Mammon: Five hours?! You got that much to do?!
Barbatos: Yes, and more. You must run through his entire day. And prepare for everything that may happen.
Mammon: What're ya talkin' about? Lord Diavolo likes to plan his activities on a whim, so you must foresee and prepare for the things he might say, specific seasonal events, temperature, humidity, guests, letters, and millions of other possibilities. It'd be all good to get stuff ready at the time though?
Barbatos: It would not. Lord Diavolo is used to my preparations, so he will likely move on if you take more than five minutes to prepare.
Mammon: Wha... So, what? He gets angry if you're not ready or something? I can't even imagine that.
Barbatos: No? He simply smiles and says we will do it another time.
Mammon: So why do it?!
Barbatos: Because not being able to give Lord Diavolo what he wants means failure in my books. Or worse, death.
Mammon: Who'd kill ya?
Barbatos: Also, please wear fishing gear and have a fishing rod nearby while preparing everything.
Mammon: Why?!
Barbatos: Because once, Lord Diavolo came to me in the middle of the night saying that he wants to go fish a skull mackerel.
Mammon: All this for that one time?! That's kinda demonic of him.
Barbatos: Well, he is a demon.
Mammon: Ah... What's this super underlined "Tea Signs"?
Barbatos: Lord Diavolo generally enjoys the tea that I select. However, at times, he enjoys other flavors. So over the years, I have learned to tell which tea he is in the mood for. At some point, he realized this and began sending me visual signs of his mood.
Mammon: Damn...
Barbatos: Please remember these... If he purses his lips slightly, it means he's thirsty.
Mammon: He isn't just like, "Eh, I'm thirsty!"?
Barbatos: No. That wouldn't be elegant, so he gestures me. Now I shall teach you about the tea. The real challenge is... telling what he wants.
Mammon: Just ask?
Barbatos: If his blinks are slow and relaxed, he wants Darjeeling.
Mammon: Slow and relaxed? I don't even know how fast he normally blinks! I don't even know how fast I blink.
Barbatos: If his right ear perks up at the same time, he wants extra milk. If his left ear perks up, extra sugar. Both ears means he wants royal milk tea, so pour the milk after soaking the tea leaves.
Mammon: I have to watch his mouth, eyes, and ears all at the same time?! I can't do that! You're also tellin' me he's cool with this?
Barbatos: If he blinks faster than normal, he wants Assam. An even faster blink means earl gray. In this way, his blinks signal his desired tea.
Mammon: I can't follow any of this. Imma try my best though for that sweet sweet cash. And yo, this is still only the second page. I can't read and do all of this!
Barbatos: Personally, I would prefer it if you could. But please at least read the final page.
Mammon: "Originality over all"...?
Barbatos: Yes, Lord Diavolo loves individuality. So you can feel free to serve him in your own way.
Mammon: Wh... Wha... What was all this then?!
Barbatos: I wanted you to know how delicate a job this is. That is why I showed you these memos.
Mammon: Ah, I gotchu. So I can do what I want, right?
Barbatos: Yes, that is correct.
Mammon: Hell yeah! This'll be a cinch! Imma do me, so get that money ready, 'kay? See ya.
Barbatos: Ahh, it seems he has already left. The Young Master has been inundated with work recently, so I'm sure this will be a welcome change. Now then... I must prepare for when the Young Lord doesn't enjoy Mammon's tea and visits the kitchen in the wee hours of the morning.
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